All I hear is FAIL

I woke up this morning, saw snow on the ground, and went 'Fuck you running, not going to happen". I just remember Friday when it was stone cold, and what it did to my lungs. Yeah, nope. So instead, I got dressed and went to the college, in order to get a few things lined out for this fall. Hopefully.

That's something I don't even want to talk about-stupid programs requiring stupid admissions, and what if I don't get in? *frets*

I went to the grocery store. and I'm pretty sure what I bought wasn't good for me...any of it. It's what I get for going shopping hungry. And afraid. (See: school!)

Is it bad that I keep trying to formulate excuses because my birthday is this week? Like, oh, it's okay to eat like a fiend, it's your birthday! Yeah, I didn't think so. Does everybody do that, or is it just me?

Anyway, I'm going to run tomorrow. Switch up my days. It should be warmer then.

Mother Nature=1 Me=0

So today was cold. And wet. But I thought I could do it. I put on my running outfit and then a hoodie. I grabbed some earmuffs. I went and opened the door, felt the temperature, and then turned around for some gloves. At first, it wasn't so bad. Cold. But I started off just fine. I got about halfway through (I changed the voice that tells me to run to a woman. surprisingly it is still just as unpleasant). Then I realized that my legs were numb. But I was sweating. And I couldn't breathe. I walked for a few minutes, trying to get my breath, but the cold burned, and it started to rain harder.

I still couldn't catch my breath. I felt a little light-headed. I felt like I was going to throw up. Thankfully, I stayed in range of my neighbor, who just so happened to be a paramedic. I figured If I go down, might as well do it in his driveway.

I decided that half way through was good, and that getting any wetter in the cold couldn't possibly be good for my health. Counter-productive, yes? I went back home.

Do I count this as a setback? No. They say to listen to your body, and mine was waving a white flag. The cold air, the wet rain, not at all beneficial. I got some cardio in, and I felt pretty good about it. But I'll know next time it's below 32 degrees and raining that I should probably do the elliptical in the basement instead.

Take My Debit Card Away

I bought ice cream today. Or rather, I let my husband buy ice cream. It's like second nature to just say yes to sugar. I don't even feel guilty about it, for the most part. Why does food have to be so good?
I applaud those people who can eat lettuce and grilled chicken and shit. That's not me. My lettuce is usually covered in ranch and cheese and bacon and probably eggs. And I like chicken, when it's covered in 11 Herbs and Spices. The problem for me is the fact that eating healthy is expensive as hell. And we be broke. I usually feed myself at night, and the baby. My husband works at dinner time. So why am I gonna go all out and grill up some salmon and put it on whatever the hell polenta is when it's just me eating? I can throw a microwave burrito in and eat some chips and be happy with that. Here lately I've been at least making some sort of effort not to eat like a high schooler. I actually bought fish and rice. That steams in the microwave of course-it serves two but I'll eat it for two nights, which makes spending the 7 bucks worth it to me.

Here's what I'm thinking. I think once I get to the end of week two in said running program, I'll really start to focus on what I'm eating. I'll throw out my logic that if I don't eat breakfast I can eat more at lunch and dinner, and start digging on some oatmeal or something. One step at a time, okay? Let's get past wanting to die from running 5 minutes before I cut out the rest of my guilty pleasures. I think this is better anyway, making it a process. Otherwise I'm just going to end up saying fuck it like I do to every other diet out there, going out and getting something covered in bacon and following it with cheesecake.

I want to be able to wear some kind of cute shirt when I go to Nashville for this Supernatural Convention. Not be some giant pig walking around in something that I shouldn't. I want to show myself off.

Pretty much, today was a fail for me. My legs hurt like a bitch, I slept for like an hour on the couch, and put too much cheese in my chili. But it's okay. Because tomorrow, I'll get up and run, even if it's colder than santa's nipples outside.

Uphill...Fail

So today I did the entire Day 1 Week 1 workout with my C25K app. #Winning. I learned a few things, and they are as follows.

Running Uphill sucks. Even if it's not really uphill. Only slightly inclined.
I'm certain that the voice in the program that tells me to run is in fact Satan.
My legs aren't made for running. Neither are my boobs.

I think my neighbors probably thought I was nuts because every time the voice would come over and say "Run" I'd say "No." But the point is, just because I said no, doesn't mean I didn't run. I did. I did the whole damn thing. I walked into the house, and my face was so red and I was panting like I just gave birth, but I was proud.

I celebrated by having ribs for lunch. That's okay, right? just a couple. Ribs are good for you. I'm pretty sure. *looks around, shifty* It's a process.

Fat Ass Running!

So I figured if I mentioned this C25K thing, I should probably explain it, just in case.

So it stands for Couch to 5K. And it's 9 weeks. It starts you off walking for 5 minutes, running for 60 seconds, and walking for 90 seconds. Repeat. You get the idea. As the weeks progress, the amount of walking goes down and the running goes up.

Sounded easy enough, if running is ever easy. I don't normally run unless I'm being chased. Which is never. Unless my couch decides to chase me for leaving a dent in it (which there is. Which is sad.)

So anyway. I thought okay, I'll do this. And I did some research on it, and a lot of people had to repeat weeks. But the thing is, you repeat them until you can do them, and then move on. Who wouldn't want to be able to run 3 miles? Really? I've never....ran that much. Ever.

It's got a great app that tells you when to walk/run, and it lets you set up your own playlists. So if you're interested, jooooooooooin me. I'd say welcome to the dark side, we have cookies, but that would be counter productive, wouldn't it?

Couch...nothing? Or Something?

As it sits right now, my daughter is running around with no pants on and watching episode number 342343 of SpongeBob Squarepants. I'm sitting on the couch, typing this up, what's left of my dinner still sitting on the tray next to me. And I'm feeling so sorry for myself that I can't even begin to tell you.

When I got pregnant, I wanted to be Supermom. The mom that breastfed, made her own baby food, did everything with my kid. That lasted...yeah.

I couldn't breastfeed. And making my own baby food? Hah! When I hadn't been able to sleep or eat anything hot myself in how long? My daughter is 2 now, and she watches TV and runs around the house. Part of me wants to say that it's because it's winter right now (okay fine. It's Spring but only just barely!) but deep down I know that's not it. I'm not active. I don't want to get out and do stuff. I never have.

Problem is, I have no idea how to change that. It's not as easy as getting up and just going somewhere, no matter how many books say so. I need the motivation, and I just do not have it.

So the other day, I was browsing the App store for my iPhone, because sometimes I think if I could just find the right app all will be well. And I came across what they call C25K-Couch to 5K. And it's a 9 week program that's supposed to work you up to running straight for 30 minutes or whatever, by starting out with intervals and such. And I'm like, you know what? I can probably do that. Probably being...insanely optimistic. I tried this yesterday-going out and running/walking for thirty minutes. I made it 15. *epic sigh of failure* But that's not going to stop me. I'm going to try again tomorrow. And tomorrow, I swear to do all of it. Or...more than 15 minutes. I'm not moving on a week until I can do day 1. Is that sad? I can't do day one? Considering I haven't run from anything since high school, I am going to say no.

So that's me getting active. But that doesn't solve my 'how to get my daughter active too' problem. I can only go to the park so many times. I'm still working on this. I think I'd feel better even if we didn't leave the house-if I could just sit down and do something with her. Coloring, painting, learning something.

I want to be that mom again. And be better for me.

Hopefully, this starts now.